Also remember this and this is very very important, if you can't be with the one you love, then tie up the one your with.
Master Dark

June 30 2004 8:36 AM

Long night, don't even want to get into it, and also forgot to post this yesterday, I am exhausted, should have banged out but the AGM is coming up so I need the days, its only sleep, wont be the first time Ive gone without sleep will it now, doubt it, in fact I'm sort of getting some energy, will probably crash later but for now good.

You know I'm a asshole right?  I mean I've stated before I'm an asshole you should have been paying attention so don't be fucking surprised when you find I'm an asshole, but that's not what I brought that up, see what you don't realize when you enter the circle is what that means, I have to log off I will finish this thought later.

June 29 2004 8:57 AM

Cant say if the mood is any better today, in fact its very possible its growing worse, I cant say for sure, its one of those things that's hard to judge, in any event.

I need to be somewhere I think, maybe a padded room for a little while, hahahahahaha.

Boredom has sort of set in here, I think I need a little excitement, maybe will look for trouble later, but its more than the boredom, the snake is lying in wait at the moment, I feel like a wounded animal ready to pounce and attack, defend it all no matter the cost, I am truly the sickest fuck I know, the madness that lurks in here seeps out slowly sometimes, oozing like some bad toxic waste infecting all around me.

My great city prepares for the Rep convention, we need to  be down there getting some footage, my partner has been located but he is in is own madness and it looks like were a little bit in a holding pattern, that's ok and I think that what I miss, being out there in the edge, need the edge, I don't know.

Anyway yes the Reps are coming, the Reps are coming, we have to get the whores ready for they will have a insatiable thirst that needs filled, they are welcome to come and play.

By the way got my Minister Package yesterday, I mean even though I was official before I am really official now, certificates, ID card, though the ID card is something to be desired I have to tell you, I have to see what I can do about that.  Anyway the Extreme Disorder Church is now taking applicants for alter girls, we don't want alter boys but rather cute pigtailed bobby sox sluts, hahahahahaha, feed the sickness. 

June 28 2004 10:51 PM

Some really foul mood is coming over me, could be the time I don't know, could be the constant Slipknot in my head, could this be it, the end, who knows, to borrow some words people=shit, what the fuck am I doing at times I wonder. 

The witching hour is drawing near, did you ever wonder how you found yourself here, I mean like what the fuck is this all about anyway, what fucking purpose is this serving, what does the little midget think he's fucking doing, I swear he better fucking hide when I get there, he has to provide me with some fucking answers, can you tell yet I am in a vile mood.

Indecency, senators falling, presidents lying, conspiracies abound, beheadings, no retaliation, where are the nukes, bring me the tortures, cant we fucking just set the world ablaze, isn't it time?, where do we really go from here, what is there left for us to do, the need for violence grows in me, who is fucking safe as the hour approaches, my next victim unaware, the feelings creeping up my back like bad mesc, soldiers lay dead in the dessert, the demon is awake, more ramblings from the lunatic, the dark road is upon us, are you scarred, hahahahahaha, maybe you should be, can you smell it, taste it, feel it, I fucking hate you, this is me ending your life one breath at a time.

June 28 2004 8:46 AM

Monday, not hating it but certainly wish I was somewhere else.

OK  Jack Ryan, Rep Senate candidate from Illinois needs our support people, I mean this guy only wanted to have freaky sex that's all, you know fuck his wife in front of strangers, I mean what's so fucking wrong with that I wonder, anyways I sent him a email, and if you do make sure you tell him the Dark Minister said to contact him.

Did sort of nothing all weekend, left my disk here with all the Extreme Stuff so couldn't do anything with it, was looking to get a new tat over the weekend and found something but I think it was to much money for it.

The beast watch, all seems well with the remaining 3 but let me not jinx it, I need them out of my dungeon, people to torture and all that you know.  Some new pics of them.

OK not sure if I ever showed you Mayhem, this is the little princess to keep chaos company.

Hey can anyone get there hands on a straight jacket for me?

OK so maybe I should do some work today I don't know what do you think

June 25 2004 10:18 AM

OK got my tickets for Metalica and Godsmack, very excited, M the madman and me back together again, they might not be safe.

Had another death last night, now down to 3 but I think these 3 are ok.

Forgot to mention that I have my minister articles on the way, the papers to start a church, my credentials and IDs are in the mail, the cult is starting.

June 25 2004 8:54 AM

I just have to say in case I haven't, this shit has gotten out of hand, what started as a place to share some cool pics has morphed into what I don't know, its cool.

Doing nothing at the moment at work waiting for a pre sale to start.  Its Friday and I'm already to go home, what will I be doing tonight I don't know yet, probably head to my favorite spot for a little while between like 7-10, maybe Ill see you there if you know where there is.

This week I found a uncle had died, what can I really say, I mean my family is the poster child for dysfunction, at this point I pretty much have no contact with them, not many left anyway in my immediate family, plenty of nieces and nephews but only really talk to one of them, don't know the last time I spoke with my brother and sister, anyway point being that this past week my brother emails me telling our uncle died, he says he forgot my number, blah blah blah, I mean I just had felt like usual that I am like on the outside of it all, now I am the youngest out of my siblings, I have no children, they are prisoners and  I'm free, that means it my responsibility to get in touch with them, FUCK THAT, I mean like I didn't decide to start like my own fucking army and really I can not be responsible for anymore spreading of sickness, my conscious is clear they should have done the same.

Now this uncle I hadn't seen in years, I mean since a child, a couple  of years, after my piece of shit father finally croaked I got in touch with him, turns out we had some things in common and we talking allot but then he dropped off, you know me live and let live right so I didn't press anymore, but my brother knew this and I felt his typical behavior just reaffirms why I say fuck my family.

I want to know where it is written that you have to be nice to them?  Or for that matter talk with them be around them, blah blah blah, my take on the whole matter is simple, they are nothing but strangers to me and if I saw them hanging out I would not be all the concerned to make friends with them, except maybe my one nephew or even one niece, the sickness lives in them also.

June 24 2004 9:07 AM

The week is creeping.

Ok I've been listening to the 3rd Slipknot album, again, Iowa, I really fucking love this band and realized I didn't give it half a chance, the Iowa album I mean, I think I got really pissed when I heard the last track, the Album title track and realized all they did was switch the words from Killers are Quiet, all that aside the band kicks ass, the new one is really good also, looking forward to seeing them at the Aggressive Music Festival along with the host of other bands.

I've been away for to long, not in spirit but in presence, I'm back, in spirit I was always with you I never went anywhere, I'm back is all I can say.  Maybe Ill see some of you there, if I do don't hesitate to approach me ok.

Report on the little beasts I am watching, there is one more in bad shape, I don't know if he's gonna make it, you have to see me force feeding this little motherfucker, maybe I should get some video of that.

The cult will be forming soon, don't worry I'm not making anyone drink any bug juice of, hahahahaha.

Back to the hardness, I've only been listening to hard stuff lately, well a little soft side also like Disturbed and Godsmack but mostly Killswitch, Slipknot and Slayer right now, a little Blindside here and there, I was thinking this morning how incomplete I was feeling, how I knew there was something missing, I always knew what it was, I need to liberate M and well be good.

You cant not deny what you are, I mean you can, you can try to stifle it, not let it out of the house, but the monster only grows, maybe it needed to grow, the world is now a scary place that the demon has been woken in me.

Last words for the day, WHAT THE FUCK.

June 23 2004 8:54 AM

I forget to mention that 2 of the kittens died that I am taking care of, no I didn't fucking kill them, these things happen, one more might be on the way out, don't know yet.

My partner has resurfaced, I know he's ok and that's about all, we were supposed to hook up yesterday but didn't happen.

I want you all to know something, it s not like it isn't something that I haven't said before, I can have much tolerance, more like the stoic fuck I am, that doesn't mean I don't know what your doing, I play ignorant, naive, make you think I'm fucking stupid, hahahahahaha, then when I can take no more I pounce, and then your surprised, I wonder why?

For all you dumb cocksuckers out there, its just pussy, I mean its just pussy.  Its not like there isn't more to go around and its not like there not giving it away for free, I mean I haven't yet met one golden pussy, I mean you let a bitch string you out over pussy, pussy, pussy, I'm telling you there giving it away  free nightly.

Just had to throw that out there.

June 21 2004 8:33 AM

Monday, funny thing has happened to me the last 2 Mondays, I haven't hated them. That's either a good sign or the beginning of the end.

Friday was a good night for shooting, see Keon the Korean, very interesting man, we also made contact with Edgar who lives with Lorenzo, Edgar was not ready to come on film, hopefully we will see him this Friday and get him on tape, we were back at some old locations also doing some follow-ups, good night all in all, project is looking good again back on track.  My partner has disappeared though, I mean like lost contact with everyone, I can only hope he's ok, I often worry those involved will disappear into the streets.

OK another beheading with another one being threatened today, don't you think its time we really fucked the middle east up, its time we nuked them, W needs to have a conference call with me, we need to either nuke em or start beheading them ourselves, I know I'm labeled a war monger, I'm telling you I have a 6 month plan to end the war, we must stop worrying what the fuck other people think and say about, we are America, what happened to the land of the free and home of the brave, we have become the land of the spoiled and home of the lazy, out politicians to fucking concerned with becoming a global community, what next we go to the Euro as out currency, I love Europe and other cultures don't get me wrong but its time to get the fuck out of here, this is not the America that was promised to us, the NWO has taken over.

Ok I'm getting crazy now so I should go and do some work.

June 17 2004 9:00 AM

Yesterday was a good day for the project, check out the photos from yesterday, the project is sort of back in swing, I am not sure if  we are working today, I have to take of some personal things today and need to do that.

I think I failed to mention I am caring for 6 little beasts, doing a favor for a friend who works in a animal shelter, its been about 2 weeks now and the little monsters are starting to get on my nerves ok. here they are,

June 16 2004 9:06 AM

Hot here, yesterday was a 3 shower day.

Worked on the project yesterday, found some very cool locations, no interviews but hit pay dirt you could say, take a look at some of the photos , hoping to get out there again tonight and find the people living there.

June 14 2004 8:44 AM

Monday and for some reason I am not hating it today, that's a bit weird for me wouldn't you say.

Ok the day is starting off a little hectic, viruses everywhere at the moment so I'm going to be busy I see.

All right everything is almost back to normal in my life, normal simply meaning in order, did I mention that I am caring for six little beasts for a friend?  So the house is still a wreck but its getting there, when there is all this Disorder in my surroundings I get really fucked up and cant do anything but its getting there you know what I mean.

Ok for real now we are starting a cult, we need members, where are you all?

Let me go and kill some viruses. 

June 11th 2004 8:56 AM

Ok my children I have neglected you this week, it will all change soon and then once again I can spend the proper time with you, all of you that have requests I didn't forget you don't worry.

Looking for Kevin is again in production.  We need assistants in the NYC area.

June 7th 2004 12:05 AM

You know I have to say if your reading this and you don't like what you read then guess what you shouldn't be fucking reading, there are allot of subliminal messages in what I write, and maybe just maybe you know what they are.

I was numb for so long, giving up on me, looking in the mirror and not recognizing who was staring back at me, seeing traces of what I was, what I am but not whole and not .

Ok made some progress on a couple of fronts today, the project, spoke with my partner and I hope we got some things ironed out and we get back on track now.

Ok I've come to the conclusion that Al Queda is responsible for everything, like if your late for work blame it on them, if your day is going to shit blame it on them, if you kill your bitch blame it on them, go on a murder spree blame it on them, I mean this fucking goat fucking fuck gets all the credit for everything going wrong in the world

June 4 2004 10:36 AM

Should I be making apologies for what I am?  It really does still amaze me that when I tell people what and how I am they don't believe me, then when I am what I say I am they are in shock, I know the problem being maybe most people don't do what they say.

I can tell you the numbness has lifted greatly from me, there are new things about to be set forth that I will not get into here, not yet anyway. 

June 2 2004 8:53 AM

Killswitch last night at Roseland, the carnage was what I needed, little tired today but I will recover.

So much is happening, good stuff, to fucking razzeled to get into it right now.

June 1 2004 8:58 AM

Have I mentioned lately the project seems to be in a permanent holding pattern?  

June 1st, the official 6 month mark of our wonderful year 2004.

I feel more and more like myself again everyday, its a good feeling to look in the mirror and recognize who's staring back.

Without really getting into the dynamics of the whole thing I have realized how I have abandoned my family, it was nice to be reunited with you all, I'm back that's all I can really say, no excuses it was just the way it was, fuck you if you don't like it, you know my motto, it was good to be around you all.

Killswitch Engage tonight at Roseland.

May 31 2004 11:22 AM

OK its Monday, no work today so I don't hate it, weekend was good, went to Philly and saw Lacuna Coil, had some good fun, all I can say is that I'm back.

Have I mentioned lately that it is once again raining allot here?  

OK this past weekend I should have been in Germany but that's OK, there's always next year and I'm telling you now next year I will be there no ifs ands or buts about it.

All is good, to much to get into now but its all happening now, more later.

May 28 2004 2:02 PM

What the fuck do you think this is all about.

I have to say that I have been feeling so much emotional pain, some of the cause of the pain is getting to deep into Cobain's life, it is amazing how much our generation had in common, everything and it is fucking painful, fuck it, they don't fucking get it do they.

Which leads me to this, have I reminded you I am the sickest fuck I know, there's a fucking reason I keep reminding you, oh yeah and lets not forget I am a Minister, hahahahahahahahahaha.

OK serious now, I feel the transformation or the current is almost complete yet again

May 27 2004 10:24 AM

Thursday, weeks almost over, thinking of going to Philly this weekend not sure yet.

I finally took the pics of the CD rack I made.

 

May 26 2004 8:47 AM

Got the new Slipknot cd yesterday, ok its all right, not as good as the self titled cd which many think is the first but anyway.

Also finished reading another Cobain book, I told you I'm slightly obsessed at the moment and now thoroughly convinced she had him killed.

I was thinking yesterday that it wasn't like Kurt spoke for a generation, well I guess that's what you would call it right, I mean in so many ways he was our Lennon, I identify with the feelings, we all do, they are still there, the discontent we have for it all, see I don't if wanted to be spoken for or more like keep it to ourselves, but like so many they go by the wayside, the pain of it all is numbed by succumbing to society and giving in, the free thinking young people are of course labeled fucked up and the problem with the world.

On contrary they are the answer, the solution, the voice of reason, the problem is that the reason they are exhibiting is quite maddening, but guess fucking what, I WANT CHAOS, MAYHEM, DISORDER, it is in only these feelings that anything is real but what happens to us, we fucking cave.

I was walking along our great 42nd street last night, and though it makes me want to puke, gone are the days of the x-rated movies, the pimps, drug dealers, well if you look hard enough you can find them, the fucking street is so lit its not even funny, I know I need to get out there and get some shots of it, ok maybe this weekend.  This is what we have become in life, one huge commercial.

May 25 2004 8:52 AM

OK I am here at this fucking job I hate and guess what, the motherfuckers ran out of coffee, now let me say this in case I haven't told you all already, don't fuck with my coffee.

May 24 2004 8:50 AM

Monday, you know I fucking hate Mondays.

OK the project has now come to a complete standstill, now even all communication with parties involved has you could say come to a screeching halt.  At the moment I fear the worst that it is now on indefinite halt and I have to start over, I hope my fears are not realized but what can I say.

I keep forgetting, I got a new toy last week, I wanted a small digital camera to post some pics here mostly, its pretty cool.

There have been updates on the site to the Bondage section, Erotic Art and the Light Angels.  Also in case you were unaware I have started storing the files here.

May 20th 2004 9:05 AM

What the fuck can I say, yeah one of those vile, violent moods today, it was nothing you said don't worry about it, it is just me that's all, well that and the fact  I HATE MY FUCKING JOB.

May 18th 2004 8:49 AM

Was so busy yesterday, didn't even get a chance to tell you all how much I hate Mondays.

No new news on the Project "Looking for Kevin", Dark Night is seeing some dark days at the moment, we haven't been out shooting in now over a week and will not be shooting until at least next week.  I will not get into why at the moment, bottom line is not enough people are working on this project, it is becoming more and more real what we have.  Stay tuned for more info.

I have been somewhat I don't know, in some ways certainly disappointed with the lack of  progress that we have been making, these feelings tend to in some ways.

May 14th 2004 9:40 AM

I have to touch on it as much as I wanted to leave it alone, I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing.

OK this past week we have seen the beheading of the American and the so called mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners of war.

First of all I don't give a flying fuck if the Americans mistreat the POWs, you know why, cause the Iraqis don't give a fuck about us, we as a nation are to goddamned concerned with being motherfuckin politically correct and so fucking worried about the human rights of the Iraqis, guess what they should be fucking tortured, you know why they beheaded Berg?  They did it cause they see the public, the world so fucking concerned about our mistreatment of Iraqis, they are fucking laughing at us fucking laughing, if we honored those soldiers, praised them and rewarded them.

More important as soon as they beheaded him we should have retaliated, we need to employ the same terror tactics they do, behead one of ours, we behead 1000 of yours, set me fucking loose in the middle east with no holds barred and see what happens.

May 12th 2004 11:08 AM

I've been neglecting you all the past week, been very busy I have emails to answer things to put up here, I fear it has gotten out of control, hahahahahahahahahah.

Got some great  footage the other night, we have been introduced to a good underworld now and maybe some of the barriers we were having our gone.

I am by far the sickest motherfucker I know, just wanted to remind everyone.

May 10th 2004 12:30 AM

Didn't get any sniper shots yesterday, I did wind up making some good contacts for Documentary though.

You can not deny what you are.

May 8th 2004 1:47 PM

The sniper is on the loose

May 7th 2004 8:50 AM

Can I say just one word, exhausted, I am ready to put my head down and sleep which I may be doing soon enough.

Ok I ran into the wild thing last night in one of the last places I suspected of running into him, Port Authority on 42nd Street, he is looking better than the last time I saw him but still fucked up, and no sign of Kevin anywhere.

That mood is a little better today, some old Pink Floyd lyrics come to mind 

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.

I feel cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet and dry as a funeral drum.

May 5th 2004 8:51 AM

You do realize you will find the trouble you are looking for.

I have to tell you that The Bride in Kill Bill, as far as pure skill goes, well I may have to her protect me instead of my darling trinity, well in a perfect I could have them both protect and they would be lovers satisfying me when not watching my back.

A quote from Kill Bill

When engaged in combat, the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern...

...This is the first and cardinal rule of combat...

...Suppress all human emotion and compassion...

...Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself...

This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. Once it is mastered... Thou shall fear no one... Though the devil himself may bar thy way...

Onto other matters, back to some resemblance of physical health and feeling like my normal self, you know the normal numb, cold, disenchanted, blank, kind of  why bother fucking mood, you know the one.  When I am in this mood I have to tell you I almost hate everything except myself, I mean in these moments very few people in my life have ever understood and not taken it personal and in these moments there are very few people who I could conversate with and that they would understand, see not conversate about the mood I am in, like that's the fucking point I know this mood, love this mood, need this mood, want to be in this fucking mood, what I don't understand is what the fuck don't you understand about that.

Why cant I be left alone to wallow, feel whatever I want, why must you feel the need, no better why do you think you are capable of making me feel different than I am.  Is it a threat to you, to society that there are unfeeling people walking the planet, see that's what's so fucking hysterical about this country, everyone should be on Prozac or some other happy magical chemical so they make you feel what they want you to feel, so that we are one in the same, the country where the individual is supposed to matter but they want us to be all the same, subdivided into multiple categories to fit whatever fucking plan they have.

If I want to be a sexual deviant than let me be that, if I want to be suicidal than let me be that way, I am sick of the self righteous who know better without ever spending a day in my skin. 

May 3rd 2004 8:31 AM

Monday Morning, how do you think I fucking feel.

Ok I was under the weather the past few days, some sort of flu/cold whatever doesn't matter, I was fucked up that's all I know.  

I've been feeling the same old routine has set in on me, sort of fucking creped up with no warning, like all of a sudden its like the same shit every day, this is not a good thing it makes me nuts when that happens, I become so fucking irritable it isn't funny, irritable I said, no like the big asshole comes out. 

The numbness returns in these moments, it is in the state of numbness that I tend to do the most off the wall shit, like chaos comes springing forward to save me from the what I feel is pathetic sense of my life.

April 29th 2004 8:42 AM

We were out shooting last night, in our new location nothing much was going on so we headed up to one of the continuing story lines, it may very well have been the last segment of there sad pitiful chapter, it is amazing how the addict looses all perception of time, the time line of your life shrinks and grows at the same time

April 27th 2004 9:00 AM

Are you happy?

April 26th 2004 9:23 AM

Monday, you all know how I feel.

It is raining though and dreary so its good.

I have started working on a home project, like I haven't enough shit to do right now, needed another cd rack so I decided to turn a wall into my cd rack, if it comes out decent will show you all, if not fuck you what can I say.

April 25th 2004 1:57 AM

Ok I've become slightly obsessed with Cobain now, he was fucking murdered and that's that.

One thing that is frightening that I have found reading so much about lately is how much we had in common, he was born a few days after me, we were the same age so I wonder if that has something to do with it, of course I do have his talent for writing music as he did and I feel fucking stupid in bringing this up but you know my motto don't you?

I have recently feel I have discovered the source of the great pain that dwells inside me, the denial of what I am, the work in the project as of late has made me more aware of this, I mean deep down I am a artists, I think I have mentioned it before, I mean the thing is I do not consider myself one and more so you could say that in way I have sort of loathed it and certainly denied it all these years but I would honestly love nothing more than to be doing my hobby on a full time basis it is fulfilling and it is in these moments I feel most alive, I will start to share more of these works with you and it does show a different side of me, I mean I get just as much pleasure from photographing legs in the street as I do to crack heads getting high.

Man on Friday I got this guy on video smoking crack, that wasn't the good part, the funny part was when right after he blasted off he got all parniod on me thinking I was a cop and it was great.

April 24th 2004 11:10 AM

Was out working the doc last night, started in the afternoon, got some really good footage, I think you will all enjoy this when it is done.

April 21st 2004 9:10 AM

I am in a vile mood today, feeling like a prisoner in a sense.  Sometimes its best not to react, sometimes its best to just simply ignore the comments people make, sometimes its the best thing to do.

I am whatever label you want to put on it, eccentric, quirky, weird, morbid, dark, kind of keep to myself kind of motherfucker, see now I don't even expect you to be like me, like what I like, think like i do, feel what I feel, what I do fucking expect is that you leave me be me, what the fuck is so hard to understand about that, what the fuck is so hard to understand about .

Anyway the mood I am in today everyone can fuck off.

April 20th 2004 10:54 PM

What the fuck am I doing here, you ever get that feeling, of course you do otherwise you wouldn't be here.

April 20th 2004 8:59 AM

Maybe its the weather I don't know, the change I am talking about, all of sudden the mood has set in, not exactly sure even what mood it is, it is certainly the mood of everyone getting on my fucking nerves mood.

You know when people are talking to you and you are saying to yourself, ok look its time to shut the fuck up, and you want to tell them to shut the fuck up, why is that some people can not understand the joy of silence, or better yet why when they see that right now is not the right time they insist on talking then.  It could be anything you are doing, something at work, listening to music, watching TV, it doesn't really matter, we need to invent remotes for people and put them on fucking mute sometimes.

But that is not really the mood, it is the numb mood again, the like I'm just going through the motions kind of mood, the I want to disappear into some deep dark underground never to be seen again kind of mood.

April 19th 2004 8:46 AM

Monday, nuff said.

Today marks the anniversary of both Waco and Oklahoma City, no real mention of it, funny isn't it that both events have sort of now gone to the shadows in the wake of 9/11, not taking anything away from that day but does not this day have any significance in our history, I mean it was only the day the FBI decided to storm the compound and as a result  more than 80 Branch Dividians dead setting off Tim McVeigh 2 years later bombing the Murrow Building.

See what I find one sort of interesting is again the concern we have with foreign aggressors and even the recent inquiries into 9/11 and W and the whole business like why didn't know, well fuck why didn't  Clinton know McVeigh was going to bomb the building.

You know why, cause no person can be held responsible for knowing what another mans actions will be tomorow

April 13 2004 11:16 PM

I want to bring you up to date on looking for Kevin, Kevin is still MIA but the documentary is taking shape, we are creating real reality tv, trust me you will love it, I see this as a good direction for Extreme Disorder, whatever will come from it I don't know but it is good and interesting and at times dangerous and law breaking.

Ok I miss my friend, or what I thought was my friend.

April 11 2004 4:12 AM

Easter Sunday, I am reminded from the line in Hellrasier, "Jesus Wept"  I mean you have to admit something, god and the Christians really did have some superb marketing plan in mind, I mean two thousand and four years later and the product is still going strong.

Smoking the days last cig reflecting on the week, I was rather numb this week, when I am not fucking numb is more like the question, I would rather be chasing the night somewhere but instead I am here.  Some interesting conversations this week, they provide me with the nourishment that I am not alone in my thoughts, my feelings, even the Minister at times needs to know that all is not in vain, we can change things if we want, do we all realize this?  See I am not talking about the fucking social change that these assholes are thinking, wanting, I mean they wanted things like this, and they is really both sides of the fucking coin, do you not think that we the fucking misfits, the so called moral unconscious, do not we outnumber they?  But they have us on the sidelines watching, maybe we are waiting till they kill each other off, when do we start our church rid ourselves of the political correct.

The lunatic is rambling again and he needs sleep.

By the way check out DNP Do you want to join the team?

April 10 2004 1:32 PM

Just woke up little while ago, was out last night shooting the documentary.

The piece is coming along, slowly but I have the feeling that once we hit on the good stuff it will keep coming, we are developing good story lines with some characters and more is being added all the time, maybe soon we will have  slight preview for you. 

April 8 2004 8:48 AM

I picked up the book love and death, will let you know what I  think.

April 5 2004 9:05 AM

Ok its Monday, its the Anniv of Cobains death, something is happening with my speakers here at work where I am just getting an annoying buzz, so we know how I already feel about Mondays right?  This would have been a good day to end it all.

April 4 2004 11:35 PM

Tomorrow is the day the music died, I still miss him in a way, its funny for a guy I never met I have some connection with, I think my generation does and I think he touched on the real dissention that we deal with, the whole lie is dead, lovely America and its fabled bullshit of white picket fences and all will be well.

He knew as we all did the fucking lie is dead, the is shit, they havent a clue what is happening here.

April 2 2004 9:08 AM

No rain today but dark and dismal, rain could happen upon us at any moment, good enough for me.  Headed out tonight working on the project, hopefully find some fucked  up shit.

April 1 2004 9:23 AM

Ok so here's the truth, I am women with big tits that likes to suck dick, no I'm only kidding I have small tits.  April fools.

Ok its raining here and the forecast for the next several days is rain, I love the rain, dreary rainy days.

Well I woke this morning and thought Howard Stern was finally taken off the air forgetting it was April Fools Day, I was livid but then I remembered and  calmed down.  That still doesn't take away from the fact that the govt is meddling in our lives now to a point where you are not free, we are not free.  Soon you will get arrested for getting a blowjob in your bedroom.

March 31 2004 11:24 PM

The govt is finally off my back, Happy fucking day.

Why does anyone even talk to me, do they get on your fucking nerves the way they do mine, what the fuck is the real mental problem some people have I wonder.  Can it be cured with a ice pick to the back of the neck?  Making them drink a ammonia bleach concoction?

People often call me crazy, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why they say it like it is a bad thing.

I see now the virtue in madness, for this country knows no law nor any boundary. I pity the poor shades confined to the Euclidean prison that is sanity.

If you want to change the world, don't go vegan. Blow up a bus in the name of Allah

Your emotions make you a monster. The question, then, is "Would you rather be a feeling monster or a non-feeling machine?".

Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad.

I guess you could say I am in some kind of mood, though I felt elation at the moment when I walked from court a victor hours later that was turned to dust and I now go numb, the numbness soon turns to anger, it is night, damp, drizzle, chill from the wind will carress my face, the smells of the night, all of them tucked in there beds safely, do they know I am lurking?  Would it be wrong to shatter there peace, to remind the nice pretty little happy people that I am here?

I am a shallow insensitive individual, what the fuck don't you understand about that I wonder?

What doesn't society understand about that, like we could give a good flying fuck, do they even realize the feeling that is out there amongst us?  Do you even realize?  What are we going to do about, we are going to do nothing about it except feed our insanity and take some hostages along the way, we are not world savers, once again we could give a good flying fuck, you know what I care about, that I cant smoke a fucking cigarette while drinking a starbucks because of some pathetic little politically correct bitch thinking the cigarette is killing her, you stupid fucking cunt you were dead the moment you were born, you allow the fucking govt to dictate your life, you give a fuck that I smoke a cigarette in a restaurant and that you will inhale second hand smoke and it will kill you, while you have no emotion, no personality, while you walked over a homeless crack fiend to get your fucking starbucks.

Yes these are at times the ramblings of a lunatic.

The Minister

March 30th 2004 8:48 AM

It is one of those days where some mood is creeping in, from where the impending doom is coming from I don't know, I am back in court tomorrow so that could have something to do with it but I don't think so, there is something else amiss not sure what it is yet.

I wonder why you lied to me, what purpose it held, did you enjoy your fucking games.  Who is laughing now I wonder, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

March 29th 2004 8:30 AM

Monday again.

We did get some good footage last night, the continuing saga of  D, we could not find the wild thing though he is lost somewhere.

March 28th 2004 12:01 PM

This week has been very slow in working on the project,.

Now I was talking with some people this week, the hearings and all regarding security and 9/11 and I was thinking, why doesn't W have someone like me in afghan looking for the taliban, I mean think about it if W were to say to me dude anything goes, like complete lawlessness you will not get any charges brought against you free fucking reign, I think in 9 months I would round them all up.

March 24th 2004 10:38 PM

I remember now why Led Zeppelin was the greatest fucking band that ever walked the earth, Jimmy Page was a master and if you dont agree with that maybe you should be put out of your fucking misery now and I mean right fucking now

March 23 2004 8:37 AM

Monday, Nuff said.

Spring has arrived here but it is a lovely 26 degrees at the moment with the wind feels more like 12 and for those on Celsius -3 and with the wind -10.

Got a little footage on the project this weekend, good stuff, the Wild Thing is lost to the streets at the moment.

There was something else but now I am drawing a complete blank, it will come to me. 

March 18 2004 8:36 AM

Can you believe it is snowing here still, I mean not like a big snow but still, fucking cool, I love the snow, love this kind of weather, I need to move somewhere they have this weather more regulary.

I wanted to say something but then I forgot.

March 17 2004 8:25 AM

Happy St Patricks Day, well it isnt what it used to be for me, no green beer today.

It fucking snowed here yesterday, snow on March 16, it was wonderful really was.

March 15 2004 10:20 AM

Its Monday what fucking more do I need to say?

ok this shit is getting to fucking bizarre here in the USA, did I ever think that I would see the day that I would find more freedom and autonomy by leaving the country?  Fuck no but that is what is starting to happen.

I mean can I ask a simple question, who the fuck give anyone the fucking right to tell anyone anything here, Big fucking business, big fucking brother and the fucking religious fanatics have destroyed everything here, yes we have out very own religious nuts here, they are called Christians no matter if they are Catholics, born again, Baptist, Jehovah witness, and what ever other god forsaken religious group is her today, what fucking difference are the fucking Christians than Islamic extremists, I mean lets look at something here, ok Islamic extremists, so in Islam if your gay, or a women who did not follow the right way you are banished, maybe in some countries put to death, so here we are not as extreme in our beliefs right, so then how come to gays or lesbians can not marry, and what's more important I don't give a fuck if they do get married, what is a homosexual getting married have to the do with the price of beans in Venezuela, absolutely nothing.

But some stuck up motherfucker thinks that the marriage of gays and lesbians here is the decay of society and downfall of our civilization, when the fuck have these people been, the decay has already taken place, the downfall is already fallen, when fucking teenagers can buy assault weapons and kill each other off, our priorities are backwards and up our asses.

March 13 2004 10:12 AM

Once again last night was a strikeout but we did find some young hookers, we only talked to one, she would not come on film, she claimed to be about 18 but she was more like 14 or 15, our next night out will concentrate on drug fiends and finding homeless.

The republican national convention will be held here from August 30-Septemder 2 in Madison Square Garden, I mention that because this has become a sort of political piece, I mean here in a country where at the moment they are focused in indecency because Janet Jackson reveals her tit during the super bowl, or Howard Stern spews what they say is indecent material for children on his morning radio show or whatever ever else these motherfuckers are concerned with about how we live and don't live, the fucking president saying her sponsor a constitutional ban on same sex marriages, a fucking constitutional ban can you fucking believe that while these mother fuckers pass easier laws to obtain assault riffles, 14 year old girls selling themselves in the street, what the fuck is more obscene than that, or what about the drug fiends and the fucking homeless, yes this countries values have become so fucking twisted when the religions "right" can have such influence, there is supposed to be separatism from church and state.

March 11 2004 9:15 AM

Did not get any good footage last night, the fucking streets were empty dead, I did come across my friend though out there, he did not want want to be filmed,  I hope I see him again soon, the fiends life takes its toll on you, you get further and further lost in the mix of it all.

March 10 2004 8:26 AM

We resume shooting Looking For Kevin this evening, if I get some good stuff  I will do a small digital clip and post tomorrow, the weather here is just like I like it today, a bit nippy, not so cold, well not to me, sort of damp, in other words a good day for the dead.

Have I mentioned that I have been reunited with a old high school friend, and on initial contact he is exactly the same, well maybe sicker, I think he is starting to realize that the sickness that lived in me way back when has only magnified, if you want to know what our life was like watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, also jay and silent bob are good examples.

So we will be out and about tonight, under bridges looking for homeless, in crack dens, shooting galleries, strolls where underage male and females sell themselves, in general all good stuff and big fun.

The new age medicine men, have I touched on this and ranted at all about it?  Therapy, counselors, Dr Phil and the bunch, no fucking different that the old wagon medicine men selling magical elixirs to fix all your problems, guess what?  Your supposed to be fucked up, your supposed to get depressed, angry, anxious, fearful, joyous, well most people are anyway, and don't fucking talk to me about you feel pain in your soul like you have the fucking monopoly on pain in your soul, do you want to feel mine for a moment, it would drive you to the brink I know it would, so there are 2 choices, check the fuck out or deal with it.  See that's the fucking problem no one wants to deal they want to understand it, better yet they want to lay blame for there problems on everyone else, get the fuck over it already will ya, 

March  8 2004 8:30 AM

Woke up to my surprise this morning and what was it doing outside, Snowing so I was giving a little treat then I arrived at work and remembered why I cant stand this place, if you kill a stupid person do you go to jail or do you get a reward?

March 5 2004 9:10 AM

Friday, I didn't get anymore work done on the project this week and it is upsetting me.

March 2 2004 10:10 AM

The weather is changing here we are moving into spring, I cant think about the hot weather to come.  It looks like my plans for Germany are not going to come through, that's ok there's always Amsterdam or Prague or somewhere Dark, you know me.

I am somewhat recovered from the weekend now, I don't think I got to sleep until 6:30AM Sunday morning, I would much rather prefer to be out there all night getting footage but what can you do.

February 29 2004 10:27 PM

How could I not have a entry on leap day.

Ok we have undertaken a new project that has become the A project and I must say this is intense and very very real, what started as a search for a friend has now seriously turned into, what we believe is a tremendous project, it is a piece involving the homeless, crack fiends, soon to be child prostitution both male and female.  This is a real life expose on the let us just say the fucked up life right here in the most wonderful city in the world.  

Last night my partner and I were focusing on life under a bridge for a homeless man, our travels last night also brought us to a crack den where we have filmed two users.

I promise you this will deliver some intense footage and you will not be disappointed, we will try to get some video clips available as soon as we can to give you a little taste and get some feedback of what we are embarking on.

February 25 2004 12:20 AM

Well well well a interesting day, I was contacted today by someone I have not seen in at least 15 years, it really was a amazing thing, I cant wait to see him and catch up, I've missed him, then later in the day I get a phone call from like the last person in the world I would have expected, did I also tell you the Wild Thing is back in my life, ok so the phone call, I mean it was bizarre, ok so first the email from the long lost friend, the the phone call, the Wild Thing back in my life, this is like old home week, something is going to happen what I don't know but something.

It was crazy back then, 15-20 years ago, I mean fucking nuts but I had some real laughs with these people, magical times that of course could not last forever, forever was only like a day back then anyway.  We did some crazy shit, ingested mass quantities of chemicals, so many memories flooding through.  I mean I couldn't keep going that way, it was killing me, I left so much behind from those days you just don't know.

I am no longer numb today, I am actually filled with some excitement and now of course reminiscing about different days, listening to some old music to remind me of back then, I am happy for those days and a smile comes to my face, and all the other bullshit seems to fade away for a moment.

Ok I was just thinking of like how fucking crazy I was then but then I think like I am fucking possibly sicker today then then, hahahahahahahaha, would I have it any other fucking way, would I be me if I wasn't me.

February 24 2004 8:31 AM

Ok survived another Monday without putting a bullet in my head, now if and when I do decide to end it all it will be on a Monday I think.

Went looking for  a friend that is MIA at the moment last night, under a bridge, got some ok footage of it, of  course could be better and gave us plenty of ideas of some documentaries we are going to do but that's another story.

Certainly in one of those numb moods that is like unfeeling, I think I need a vacation, it doesn't look like I am getting to the festival, lodging is now the problem but I may still wind up in Germany, maybe Amsterdam.

They ran out of fucking coffee here, I am really not to happy about this, I should really just go bite someone's head off and maybe they will get the hint, ok there a couple of vices I have ok, I mean I gave up drugs, gave up drinking ok, gave up a couple of other things also but try to and I mean try to take my coffee and cigarettes and I might possibly skin you alive ok, and of smoke a cigarette while drinking a cup of Joe when I'm done.

February 23 2004 9:23 AM

Have I mention how I hate Mondays lately?

February 22 2004 11:28 AM

Sunday Morning, what will I do today, the weather is hinting of the approaching spring here in the North East.  I must make plans for my next trip, I want to go to Germany, to Leipzig to the festival there, the US dollar is taking such a beating against the euro right now though so I dont know what I am going to do, I will probably go anyway but I must start making my travel plans.

Serial Snuff now has some merchandise just a little bullshit for now but were working on bigger and better things.

February 20 2004 11:39 PM

Cold winds blow, the scream of the night, some obscure music in the background, I hear the footsteps, I light a cigarette and wait, my fate is walking to the door, I hear the creaks of the floor boards, the footsteps draw closer, I tense with anticipation, it is coming, the knob turns slowly, the door starts to open, the moment is here.

February 19 2004 9:22 AM

Back at work, I would much rather spend the day in court than here.

February 18 2004 10:12 PM

Well today was almost a complete washout, spent the day in court in unrelated govt trouble, I still am somewhat optimistic about that trouble and hope to come to a resolve by this June but who the fuck knows, I think this is dragging on 2 fucking years now and enough is enough. So for the time being now I am fighting 2 separate cases in court, this one should be over in a month though.

Did some work in the Serial project tonight, giving me plenty of more ideas though, I think I will do a piece on NYC hookers, mostly underage stuff I think, my motivation was a special I had seen on CNN the other night, see news shows love to show how fucked up it is outside the great USA, like this special was about young prostitutes in Bucharest, concentrating on young boys, CNN shows a train station in Bucharest where it makes you believe you can get young boys as prostitutes, now hear me ok, I have been in that very train station I can not even begin to tell you how many times and guess what, that's right no fucking boy prostitutes, the only young boys hanging around the train station are dirty little gypsy thief's.

I think its just that we here in the USA do not like to look at our dirty laundry and see that we have some fucked up shit here that we don't look at.

Yeah I know I'm fucking crazy ok no one needs to tell me this, I say that because I am writing the teachings of the church of the Extreme Disorder, cause in case you all forgot I am a ordained Minister, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I finally made a banner for the site, here it is.

What do you think?  But you know I only ask that in vain cause guess what I don't give a fuck what you think.

February 17 2004 11:19 PM

What the fuck did you think I was done with you, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Almost midnight, cold winters night here in the North East and I am on the loose, Godsmack in my ears.

I am like the bear, I hibernate and then I wake up, I wake hungry, what I hunger for you could never understand nor could you probably feed.

Pathetic attempts at trying to understand the meaning of it all, do you know suffering, you know nothing about suffering, I love Pinhead, in my suffering I have been liberated, liberated from your bullshit, you try to piece together some sense of it all, there is no fucking sense to it, there is no sense to you, there is no sense to me, I am what I am and do what I do, it is that simple, there is a point you reach with pain where it becomes pleasurable and freedom lies at that point, in suffering lies defeat, in defeat lies victory, I was defeated once in ways you will never know or comprehend, in ways most people could not handle, misconstrued as weakness it is all powerful, to look complete failure and defeat in the eye, to walk away from it, to have survived it means I have looked and walked into the depts. of what you would call hell and journeyed out of it through the other side complete and whole, I have a secret.

Last lyrics for tonight, 

of Course Godsmack

Why are you laughing as if you're my friend?
I'm gonna slap you again and again and again
I like you better when you go away 
Gotta get up, gotta get out, gotta get up 
You gotta go away 
you were the love of my life for a day 
I kind of thought that 
You'd feel the same way...No way! 
Consider you a figment of my imagination 
But will you ever go away?

February 17 2004 12:59 PM

I expect to be judged I really do, I expect by most people I come in contact with, I will do things that will leave you wondering "What The Fuck", you will walk away scratching your head saying what the fuck just happened, that is really one disturbed person, here's a little secret I really don't give a fuck, you know what I do give a fuck about though, the so called people I call my friends, I mean its ok really because in some way I expect them sooner or later to judge me see were not talking about betrayal were talking about judging, I guess both are what they are, I am guilty of betrayal, who isn't really.

Ok here is a way to be a friend in case your that fucking stupid that you don't know ok, lets say your really good friends with me, you know what I mean ok and your with someone else who is talking shit about me, guess what you stupid motherfucker the right thing to do is say this "hey that's my friend you shouldn't be talking like that about him while he's not here why don't we call him and talk to him" or something in that vain get it.  See here's the funny thing ok, I'm always gonna find out get it.

Now one more lesson for the day, say that you are a good friend of mine and your with another good friend of mine, then its ok to talk about me in the sense of "hey you think he's ok I mean he's been doing some bizarre shit even for him" something like that.

Can you say you are innocent from betrayal?

Here's a hysterical thing to me, I warn you, I mean like I tell you, "dude I am one sick fuck" and people are like ok then when I exhibit the sickness they are like whoa what the fuck and I am really amused by this because its like look I warned you.

Ok what's really bothering me you may be wondering.

I have at times over the past few years been confronted again and again with having to redefine my relationships with people and have become very isolated in them because those I thought were my friends are not and those I didn't think were my friends are, I know the little midget running things gets a kick out of this, its not its fault  I don't believe that he/she/it what ever you think the little midget  is, it  does not control life in that way so there is no blame, no stupid fucking humans walk the earth.

This is what I wonder, how in good conscious do you look me in the fucking face, how does one smile at you like everything is all right, false hellos and concerns, I would rather you not fucking bother, you are not required to be nice to me or say hello to me, in fact you are more a pathetic human being than me and my cohorts and all our sickness combined, how does that make you feel.  What's worse in this life malformed  ideas or spineless observances of others lives.

Some lyrics for you

GodSmack

Patience is how I'm living today 
I lie before you stressing me out again 
My life is twisted, twisted like your own brains
I can't accept that, I can't accept that again 
Face it, try it, immune to what you are 
A superstition jinxing me like the black cat
Inside you, It's only what I crave 
A system breakdown, can you remember your name?
did you forget you?
Did you forget your identity? 

February 14 2004 12:29 PM

Now I know what a 2 hour massage feels like, extraordinary. 

February 13 2004 8:15 AM

Wow its been a few days, I have neglected you, will you get over it, if not you know my answer.

The project has of course taken some turns again, that's ok, I have a definite start date now though and will start shooting in October, we are working on a soundtrack  and when it is completed I will let you know.

Ok we are need of a darling actress don't forget to help us in our endeavor.

So much has gone on in the past 2 weeks, some good stuff for our project, oh did I say we have a mailbox now send mail to 

Extreme Disorder

236 E. Gunhill RD PMB 49

Bronx NY 10467

February 4 2004 9:45 AM

In some kind of dark mood today, cant put my finger on it exactly.  

February 2 2004 8:32 AM

Monday morning, did I mention lately how much I hate my job?

January 31 2004 2:30 AM

Well the day is here, today is the special day, today is my birthday.

January 30 2004 8:45 AM

That day draws nearer, which day is that?

I was talking with a friend yesterday, this is a strange situation in my life but we will try here ok.

I am genuinely mistrusting of people, how that affects me really is I am a skeptic simply, it really doesn't effect my relationships in that way with people, its not like I hide in a closet because I don't trust anyone, no it just means that when you do fuck up on my I am not surprised.

I put myself in a situation a few months back, one I should not have been in but I did, in some way you might say I was a little gullible about it but we all life and learn see here's the thing and again I will turn to lyrics to express how I feel

I hide, only to defy you
Take away the only life inside you
I see the face through everyone
Inside I've just begun!
You think I'm out to scare you
I'm only out to prepare you for when you stop and turn around
Your body's going down!

You're gonna waste your time,
Your life will soon be mine,
You're definitely one of a kind, and
Your suffering 'cause of me is divine

Tell me why you never liked me
Tell me why it is you fight me
Pull down and wait for the perfect time to take what's rightfully mine
You think they're dumb to defy me
You said you don't want to defy me
You wait to dumb run anyone
Oh well . . .

You're gonna waste your time,
Your life will soon be mine,
You're definitely one of a kind, and
Your suffering 'cause of me is divine

Yeah well, Fuck you!
I'm fed up with you!(x8)
I'm not as good as you?
Fuck you, I'm better than you!

You're gonna waste your time,
Your life will soon be mine,
You're definitely one of a kind, and
Your suffering 'cause of me is divine

Did you really think you'd beat me at my own game?!
You try to see what you got
We're ripping at your brain!

Now the interesting thing is this ok, there is a point, I am not a rambling lunatic, well maybe I am but not at the moment, so here I am yesterday talking to a friend and then all of a sudden so much makes sense to me and the most funny thing of all is the person involved thought we would never talk, hahahahahahahahaha and then come to our own further and deeper conclusions.

Lesson for today, if you are a manipulator, liar, conniving and in general kind of fucked up person who is trying to play everyone around you, don't worry soon all the bricks come tumbling down and you have destroyed any real relationships with people that you will need at some point, I know, I've seen it , it is rather enjoyable at that point to then see if you have the nerve to not pull the trigger, drag the blade across your wrists, put the noose around your neck, jump in front of a train or off a high rise, set yourself on fire or whatever form of suicidal fantasies you have had your life.

Fuck you, I'm fed up with, I'm not as good you fuck no I'm better than you.

January 29 2004 12:16 AM

That special day is almost upon us.

If I leave here tomorrow,  would you still remember me, for I must be traveling on now, cause there's to many places I've got to see, if I stay here with you girl, well things just couldn't be the same, cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you'll never change.

Some Skynyrd lyrics.

I did absolutely nothing today, it was a good day.  

More lyrics

Many, many years ago on a distant shore
Men did gather secretly beyond a hidden door
They traveled long and traveled far
Darkness through the night
Yes, this is the place they've chosen
To build another site

Of course though now I am wide awake, I must say that I love this winter, it is finally winter here like it should be, I know I have said this in the past few days but I am so fucking happy it is cold, anyway I'm off.

January 28 2004 7:46 AM

Home from work due to the snow, what am I going to do today, first going back to sleep, then maybe go out and play in if your on the east coast enjoy the snow.

January 27 2004 6:21 PM

Well a interesting bit of news I received today,  some things are so fucking hilarious to me, one of those things is how people really are full of shit, now I don't care if your full of shit and what's even more funny is you think I will believe your bullshit, no I don't really care if you are full of shit but you think people cant see through your bullshit is what I enjoy, or you think I cant see through your bullshit.

Anyway things work out the way there are supposed to you know and all you need in life is a little patience, it is because of you that I don't eat a bullet, you amuse me so much some times.

January 27 2004 10:29 AM

I was just thinking that soon the winter is going to end, I think I need to move to the artic, I am a polar bear.

OK I do have a bunch of new video clips, if you want them you know what to do, some stupid ones funny none the less, I have a Dalmatian fucking some chick, it is hysterical.

OK onto more serious matters, not that animal fucking isn't serious we take it very serious here.

Waiting for the snow and ice supposedly going to hammer us, I can only hope.

I should get some work done.

January 26 2004 11:56 PM

I want to live with a cinnamon girl and chase the moonlight.

Have I mentioned lately that I am a reverend?  I am.   hahahahahahahaha  I am the reverend of a new generation, the twisted, sic, hedonistic, narcissists,

to borrow from lady liberty who sits in my harbor

Give me your poor,

Your huddles masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse or your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless,  tempest-tossed to me:

I open my arms and surround you with a cloak of darkness.

At the controls on a wonderfully cold winters night, storm is brewing, lets hope it is what they say it is.

Everything Dark is beautiful, they will never understand that we are the beautiful people will they, don't the little collage innocent pukes make you want to slit there fucking throats and rub there face in broken glass over sidewalks made from jagged steel?  Here I do retreat deep into that place in my mind where the darkness lives, why did I take the left turn.  Do you know what it is to rip through life?  Do you know how fun it is to live with the madness in my head?

January 26 2004 9:02 AM

Yes cold again.

This is the start or a special week, special only to me, significant and meaning full in my life.

Sooner or later you really do understand everything, what I do thoroughly enjoy about   people is the way they think they can go through life without any repercussions, amazing isn't it, I think what is even more amazing is that they further think that I don't know what they are doing, who really gets fooled and fucked here I wonder, is it me or is it you?

January 25 2004 1:12 PM

Cold Sunday afternoon here, remember last year when it rained every day on the east coast, now we get bitter desensitizing cold every day, sometimes things just do work out the way you like them to.

I was thinking today, this morning while enjoying my coffee and the C&G's came to mind, I think what is more surprising about the C&G's is that when you think someone is not they all of a sudden become one, why I don't know, it takes you for a loop but such is life isn't it?

OK project is coming along nicely now, seems we are moving in better speed, of course we need our wonderful victim still, anyone interested in doing some hardcore but light fetish with us, of course that's a oxymoron but if you are interested contact me and I will explain better, also if anyone on the east coast knows of any good abandoned sites let me know.

January 22 2004 8:52 AM

The cold has let up a bit here today, not that I mind the cold.

I have been feeling rather numb you can say, well its a mixture, numb, impending doom, I hat e the impending doom phase, I had a strange dream last night cant remember it all now but that is normal.

You know you ever want to just bash someone's fucking skull in, no bashing there skull in is to motherfuckin easy, slow methodical painful and I mean fucking painful torture, I can think of things that you could never imagine to cause you pain, see something has been festering in me, I guess I sort of just blew it off and rightly so it should be blown off but I didn't acknowledge to myself  I guess that it disturbed me.

I am making changes here to the site, there not visible yet  and sort of stuck at the moment but that's ok.

My little man chaos is doing fine now, he is not liking that I have to give him medication but tough, little fucker even bit me but because he's sick I didn't bite him back this time.

January 20 2004 8:32 AM

What the fuck, that seems to be my prevailing mood, sort of really hating my job these days, I mean sort of like each day I ask myself why the fuck do I keep coming back here, the shit I have to contend with.

OK enough of that, film is making progress again, of course have had some setbacks but what else is new and my life would not be my life without setbacks.

Let me get some work done.

January 16 2004 8:52 AM

Ok its cold again, last year in the winter I was in Prague, now I though Prague was cold but I must say that  Prague has nothing on us right now.

I have to report that my little man, 

is not well, I've been through this with him before, seems he has a slight blockage and thinks he was to pee when he doesn't, urinary tract.  It can kill him so I am always having to be on guard with him, now you must understand, and if you have any animals you will understand, I will kill a motherfucker over this cat, I mean if someone even looked at him the wrong fucking way, anyhow Ill get him back to health, may have to give him fluids and shit but hell get better, now last year when this first happened and my Mischief was dieing I was in the hospital with him, I asked the Dr how serious this was because I can not have another cat dieing on me, my other cat was dieing, blah blah blah, she kind of giggled, like a nervous giggle and I was like look I am not joking this place will have problems should my boy die, she then realized I was not talking about legal problems, little man lived, hospital is still there, moral here is this, that little motherfucker is my boy, and probably outside of my dear departed Mischief I have never loved anything like him.

January 15 2004 9:10 AM

Snowing here, cold, tomorrow our streets will be a sheet of ice, would be a great day to be walking through the woods.

January 14 2004 9:53 AM

Cold here today, I like it like that, the cold is good, I think it is because I feel it resembles what is inside me, also it leaves the streets empty just the way I like it.

Finally getting around to putting on some updates, the sic section of course and Mitch you have outdone yourself yet again to get to us the quality of sickness we so enjoy.

January 13 2004 8:33 AM

Exhausted, I am exhausted but I'm here, here the place that I do not really wish to be but this is where I am.

I would like to say that I had a very interesting time last evening, why people come and go in my life I haven't a clue they just do. 

Oh Yeah lyrics that come to mind today, or should I say last night while making the trip home, you should know this one shouldn't you.

Something happened that made me feel, I don't know what is the word or words I am looking for, well flattered, honored, anyway thank you cause you made that happen.

4 You

This shit right here is for you
All your faces I can see
You all think it's about me
I'm about to break
Is this my fate?
Am I still damned to a life,
of misery and hate?
You will never know
What I've done for you
What you all
Put me through
I do it for you
I could have, never lived
If it wasn't, for you

And then these lyrics came to mind

Divine

I hide, only to divine you
Take away the only love inside you
I see the face through everyone
Inside I've just begun!
You think I'm out to scare you
I'm only out to prepare you for when you stop and turn around
Your body's going down!

Your gonna waste your time,
Your life will soon be mine,
You're definitely one of a kind,
You suffering 'cause of me it's divine

Tell me why you never liked me
Tell me why it's you fight me
Pull down and wait for the perfect time to take what's rightfully mine
You think they're dumb to defy me
You said you don't want to defy me
You wait, to dumb run anyone
Oh well...


Fuck you!
I'm fed up with you!
I'm not as good as you?!?
Fuck no! I'm better than you!

Your gonna waste your time,
Your life will soon be mine,
You're definitely one of a kind,
You suffering 'cause of me it's divine

Did you really think you'd beat me at my own game?!?
You tried to see what you got
Me ripping at your brain!

Now get this, if your wondering if that is meant for you then guess what its not, if it is meant for you you'll know it soon as you fucking read it, 

January 12 2004 9:01AM

Monday morning, you all know how I feel about Monday Mornings. It snowed here a little overnight, trying to get on track with our works in progress, its been a slow 12 days you can say since the new year but  it will all get done.

I have been in extreme physical pain as of late. pulled a muscle in my back, the fucking pain wraps around on my left side from behind my back just below the rib cage to the front of my body near my belly button, today its better but man I mean fucking pain.

January 8 2004 8:52 AM

For some reason today these lyrics come to mind

You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Showin' you nothing, but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fucking thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be

January 4 2004 3:08 AM

I was dreaming about rats last night

Interpretation:
Something that is gnawing away at you
Lack of cleanliness and hygiene, vermin
Something that is destructive by nature
Living at a fast pace, having a busy schedule, participating in a rat race
Betraying somebody, ratting on them
Frustration, annoyance, “Rats!”

Where should I start, you know more is always revealed to you, have patience and you will always know the truth, I made some bad decisions, I am glad I didn't make the final one, I was in a sense betrayed, that is funny for me to say as I was the betrayer but in the end I was betrayed, that's ok  the damage done was repairable,  the damage that was revealed is not that is the good thing for my soul, it was close but in the end I know what it is.  Always listen to your gut.

I know who you are, I knew what you were, I can no longer let my feelings tell me otherwise, the truth is what it is and that is that.

Green Day lyrics come to mind

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson I learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
......

Last two lines omitted they don't fit.

Good riddance

January 3 2004 11:55 PM

And you really do wonder why I made the decisions I made.

January 1 2004 2:23 PM

Just waking up and I thought of you guys first, aren't you special.

I am waking up to the New Year in physical pain, my back is killing me, I think I need some chiro treatment.  

Hope your New Years eve was all you wanted it to be, Ok  I have my picks in for the dead pool, hope all mine got in.

New years resolutions, once and for all finish one of the damn books, I know I keep saying this, at least last year I started on it, production for our snuff film, find a new job, finally get to Germany, revamp certain sections of this site, get the govt off my back (this is not entirely up to me but them), get a press card, make Extreme more official.

That's it, I'm sure more will come up along the way, the same it did last year.

And remember this and this is very very important, if you can't be with the one you love, then tie up the one your with.

Master Dark

Complaints? Go tell someone who gives a fuck.