So where should I start, I guess you want to know all about the battle in heaven that left me abolished to earth. I tell you it really wasn't like you guys think, you know God and I were sitting around drinking some coffee and we got into a heated discussion about the way things were going, I was arguing with him about the whole free will thing, I was saying listen if you give them free will your only gonna confuse them because your really tricking them, they don't have free will because you got the whole punishment thing going and if they don't do what you say then they get your wrath, and let me tell you that motherfucker has got one serious temper, just read his book if you don't believe me. So there I was sipping a latte, I think he was spiking his cause when he is drinking he gets real irrational, so I'm like listen dude either give em free will your or take the reference out and the next thing you know were scrapping, I mean can you believe the nerve of him thinking he can take me, I'm the fucking devil for gods sake, so were rolling around on the floor and all the other fagot angels are gathered around cheering god on, they are such fucking kiss asses I got to tell you, I don't miss damn near one of em. So there we are and I get him in a head lock, I really didn't want to hurt him I mean it is god after all but I wasn't gonna let him push me around and then him thinking I'm a pussy, I was the only angel after all that had the balls to question him and I think he liked the challenge so there I am have him in a head lock and I start to noogie him and this really pissed him off and then the motherfucker jumps up and says that's it I'm throwing you out of heaven and then bam without a trial I'm an outcast. As I was leaving all the other faggot angels were standing around making fun of me, deep down they were always jealous of me, I mean shit I am the best looking, the most powerful, greatest personality and God was my best friend we went everywhere and did everything and there they were jockeying for position thinking they would take my place. Here's a little secret, the only reason he made Jesus was because he needed someone to replace me as his equal cause truth be told if God and I were to square off I know I could take him and I did try snatching the little bitch up but deep down he was as scarred as the angels to go against anything the old man says.
Have you seen some of the shit he has created, I remember when he made the platypus I said to him what the fuck is that, he thought he made the greatest thing and I said that is the dumbest fucking animal you have made yet and there were all the angles saying "no god its wonderful". Now Gods ego will not ever allow him to admit he made a mistake but behind closed doors he confessed to me that it was one of the stupidest fucking things he's done to date.
So there I was walking around down here kind of bored to be honest and I was starting to get a little depressed, sure I missed heaven, all the parties, Angel pussy, now listen up you have never had pussy until you had Angel pussy and I was feeling sorry for myself then I started thinking of ways to undo creation I figured since he wanted me to be the Devil I might as well start acting like the Devil. No sooner then I had the thought God paid me a visit were he proceeded to tell me how this was all part of the plan and he picked the fight on purpose because he needed me down here. I told him see that whole free will thing again and I proceeded to curse him out and call him every liar in the book. Now the funny thing is that I'm considered the liar but I'm nothing but honest, I tell you from the get go that I am fucked up person but my charm wins you over every single time, anyway he's rambling on and on about how he needed me down here for his special assignment because he was about to introduce man to the world, now don't believe none of that Adam and Eve shit the first humans coming off the assembly line were in fact the caveman see God didn't have it exactly right when it came to humans and he fucked up big time in there design and that he needed me to fuck with man and do his whole free will thing, he would give them free will but if they choose me he would then not allow there entry into heaven. I of course this was fucked up but its either Gods way or the highway so after for the second time that day calling him every sneaky motherfucker he is I of course said ok but continued with my plan to undo creation.
So remember I told you the first humans were cavemen, now they weren't to fucking bright and I think he did this on purpose cause when he tempted them of course they took it. That's right he tempted them I kind of sat back and watched him play the simple minded motherfuckers they were and I looked up and asked him why go through the trouble just make them be born with sin if that's what you want and he said no they need to think its there fault so this way they will listen to me. I'm telling you he has a wicked sense of humor. Now after hearing this I tell you I lost all patience with him and called him out to fight but of course he said no, that God is above that, can you believe that. I didn't talk to him for about one thousand years ignoring all his calls. Looking back in hindsight I would have paid attention because in that time the sneaky bastard really set forth on giving me a bad name, one of my angel informants tells me he spent most of this time drunk bad mouthing every night and instilled fear in the people and the angels that I was an evil man so its an understatement to say that I was pissed when I showed back up.
My exile was not spent for nothing, this is when I created Hell, now I'm not gonna lie and say that it's as good as Heaven but if I may say so it's not so bad, I mean yeah it's dark but I like it like that, now it's not boiling hot nor freezing cold, another of Gods great P.R. team lies and deceptions, you know that has always pissed me off I mean he had a slew of angels and workers up there and I was forced to start alone and recruit as I went along, but hey whose complaining. See on another quick note that is one thing you all overlook, I have the power to create just like God, told you the angels were jealous of my powers and where as his creations were called angles mine were labeled minions and demons, I'm telling you God doesn't play fair. So as I was saying in this time I created Hell and I'm not saying that you would rather be here but if I had a choice, which I don't by the way I would stay here, I got the best strippers, drugs, booze, nightclubs, (no one can touch my night life we go non stop) music and of course the best sound system to hear it on, we have some cool people down here and of course some assholes, see I don't always get the choice if the big guy prevents them from coming in then I have to take them. Let me see who's here, Jim Morrison, Hendrix of course, I had to fight the big guy on that one, one hand winner take all poker, Cobain of course because he checked out, one of Gods rules, you see suicide gets you automatic entry here. Lenny Bruce is down here along with Sam Kinnison, they do a killer show every Saturday night, you've got to see it and a whole shit load of others but I'm getting off the subject. I have a slew of lawyers, I need them to fight the big guy and most lawyers deserve to be here anyway.
I think I was talking about the weather down here, if you want hot we got hot, want cold you got cold, I prefer central air so for the most part we have climate control. Now at about the time I came out of exile God had this whole good and bad thing going and I was of course the defunct evil, now the years have made me progressively evil and yeah I do punish motherfuckers down here, in a way I'm taking out my frustrations on his so called children. God is the most dysfunctional parent to date, look at how he treated you, I mean look at the fucking flood for Christ's sake, I couldn't have pulled that one off no matter how hard I tried and he does it in such a way that you mortals thank him for his punishment and all he does is threaten you that I am going to a beast. And the flood is just one of the many examples of God doing wicked shit and I am not here to fill his already big head. But sure I do punish some of you motherfuckers and there are some I don't want here but like I said I have no choice, I got stuck with Hitler and you bet your ass I punish him, not for what he did but how he contributed to my bad name, and get this he thought he had divine right, he thought God was on his side. Now when I get my hands on that Osama fella him I'm gonna punish him something terrible because they all think that the cocksucker is working for me and to be honest his work is to crude to be associated with me when he again proclaims divine right. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do with him but one thing for sure is he is only allowed to eat pork Even more funny is that the Muslims believe that what waits them in heaven is virgins and the such, well I got news for you there are no virgins either in Heaven or here in Hell and that's because if one does sneak through we have first dibs on the bitch but like already stated I have the best strippers and that motherfucker will never come near them.
I also get stuck with the jehovah witnesses and yes they are as annoying here as there and yes they also knock on my door here also they just don't know when to give up but I have a neat trick I pull on them, I gang fuck them, that's right, I invite them in and then proceed to bend them over, men women doesn't matter and then I abolish them. I have a terrific dessert where I send them to and whatever happens happens to them and all the while they are still crying for God and he doesn't want them so he sends them here.
Now I'm sure you may be wondering how I spend my days, well to be honest most days it's just the usual shit you know wake up around noon get a blow job take a shit get some coffee and then continue to plot my destruction of the universe I'm not worried my day will come as I already stated my purpose now is to undo creation and that will be my spite and then he will have no choice but to square off with me and then you'll see how I kick the his bearded ass. Oh I forget you won't be there cause I will have killed you all, hahahahahaha. But that's another story.
I mean can you name one single thing that I have done here, I am not responsible for the earthquakes, volcanoes no natural disasters, again that is a design flaw and that is the big guys fault. No I have not contributed to any single event that has caused mass destruction even nuclear weapons can not be blamed on me, he gave your mind and I warned him that you shits would do something stupid. I have not created one single human that walks the earth and look at what you do but he doesn't have the balls to take responsibility for how he has made you so once again his kick ass marketing and P.R. team put all the fucking blame on me. No what they tell you is that if you feed your temptations that it is bad and you are giving into me, well if that is sin then give me sin, I say go forth, fuck and suck and feed all of your pleasures and do so without regret, I'm here for you I got your back I totally understand so don't worry I am here fighting your cause, I mean yeah I'm gonna undo it all one day and then you can blame me, you can kind of look at me as a sort of disgruntled employee who is going to go postal one day and when I do, shit it will be a sight to see. They think they can send the kid Jesus to fight me, I feel sorry for him for they send a boy to do a mans job and the only man that has a chance is scarred of me for he knows I wield the same power he does. I'm gonna send him packing that's for sure but until then be happy do what you will and if anyone give you any lip give them my number and Ill take care of them for you.
Now be sure to check out Conversations with the Devil part two.